i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
