I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
