is your mom at the bar?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
