also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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