Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
