90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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