If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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