those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
