I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
