I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Edward fifth and chaser hands
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
