she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
