her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
