There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
