i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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