Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
