How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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