Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize