Quick, to the slutcave!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
