I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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