I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
