I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
