a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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