Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Never underestimate the power of titties
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