dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
