If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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