I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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