I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
