A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He better not be in your backpack
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
