I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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