You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
