I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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