we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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