Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
