the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
