Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
