Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
