the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
