You're my little dorito
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
