Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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