Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
