You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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