I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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