Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
