My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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