I wish I only lived at night.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
