Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
