Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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