I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
