just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
