hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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