i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
