Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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