I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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