I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
