So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
