don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
