I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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