non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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