Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
