I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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